the last six months have been… an experience to say the least. i came into LA with wide-eyes and sunshine for days. let’s just say that’s all dimmed down a bit.
i can’t believe it’s only been 6 months since i moved to socal. working in entertainment makes it feel like i’ve been here for years. i’ve learned so damn much about the way the city works, and what i need to do if i want to continue my dreams.
yesterday i had a conversation with kevin about my perception of the world. because i’ve been living off savings (so not really working and meeting non-actor people), i’ve have a really skewed reality of LA.
i go to auditions, classes, and other workshops to befriend an agent, manager, or cd. i’m constantly surrounded by beautiful asian girls who play my type at auditions, then go to class or workshops to be surrounded by more beautiful, well-dressed, funny, character-y people who are bold and outrageous. i’ve also accepted rejection as a part of life and don’t take things personally (most of the time) when someone doesn’t offer me a part or pick me up in their agency. in sum, my view of LA is pretty narrow and makes me constantly doubt myself to be honest.
when i started out in september, i dulled down my look to be what i thought others wanted me to be. essentially, i became a cookie cutter, generic, girl next door asian girl with no beaming personality. then i spent 6 months trying to figure out how to appeal to others. but gradually as the months progressed, i realized that i didn’t know who i was anymore, what i had to offer, and why i was here.
does that sound crazy? here i am, in the city of my dreams, and i felt so lost and confused as to how i fit in it.
in the last 2 months, i’ve been pretty unhappy about my outcome, my look, my type, etc… i hadn’t figured out who jennie was in LA. in the bay, i was my loud, hipster, sassy ass self, but in LA, i didn’t know how to be that.
in my attempts to please other, i lost apart of who i was and what i stood for. and then i turned into an actor who looked like everyone else, spoke like everyone else, and didn’t really have something memorable to offer. i lost my voice, my passion, and my reason to why i was here or what i was doing.
in the last few weeks, i’ve been trying to regain my passion and momentum. i’ve been taking the pressure to succeed out of the equation, and am now focusing on being myself and enjoying my life. i told kevin last week that i was taking a break from acting, and of course, a shit ton of offerings came my way this week. when it rains, it pours…
so i’ve decided to take “a permanent break” from hollywood. i guess playing hard to get is the best way to get its attention? i’m going to focus on union projects with higher pay (thus less auditions), revamping my style/beliefs/opinion in the new city (thus regaining my voice), and send out positive energy (by getting a job, being chill, but still sending out headshots and going to classes/workshops).
i realize that although i was pretty beastly in berkeley, i had four years to build to my senior year. i’m a freshman in hollywood right now, so i have the right to be jobless and a uncertain.
THUS, i will calm the fuck down, get a day job, and take things slowly but surely to rediscover who i am. AND stop taking life so seriously.
